Hey everyone. . .
I know it's been awhile since I've actually been around and active, and I wanted to apologize for my sudden disappearance. . .I am extremely sorry for leaving with no warning, but what can you do when the world turns upside down, overwhelms you, and brings you to the brink of your mental health?
I am still in a long battle with my depression right now, which is why I am deciding my stream schedule becomes sporadic again. Most of my streams will be low energy or no mic for now, and I ask everyone still continue to respect my privacy. I am not answering any questions, so please don't push as it's nobody's concern when it come to what's behind closed doors. I have many demons to face and must face them on my own, and it will be some time before I have some form of normal. I don't know when my next stream will be just yet, so please be patient as I try to get back into a better headspace and take accountability for my actions by processing, resetting, and learning.
I am extremely sorry for feeling like I am failing all of you guys. The constant cancellations, the constant disappearing. This community is built on love and care, and will continue to be as such. I want to continue to tend the gardens and bring you all joy, but it's hard for me to do that when I cam like this right now. I understand if a lot of you are disappointed with me as well as upset with me, and you all have every right to be. I feel like I've let a lot of you down and I feel like I let a lot of my inner circle down as well. . .I know I should be better than a lot of things lately, and slowly I'm taking the steps to get to where I want to be and where I need to be mentally and emotionally. Honestly, I'm even disappointed with myself, which makes it hard for me to even function on some days to where all I really want to do is just lay in bed and pretend that the world doesn't exist.
But if I did that, then where would I end up right?
No amount of apologies can undo things that have been done and no words of "I'm trying" can mend things. The only way to mend things is progress, acceptance of mistakes, and truly learning from them. I want to thank several people who reached out to me lately (and gods I wish I hard art with everyone, but I do with a couple of them) to make sure my mental state didn't take a turn for the worst through all this time that I have been taking a break (and will still be doing so until I feel like I am fully ready to be back).
Massive love to Nero, Doom, Mike, Cirex, Isa, Tim, Julia, Dee, Sarah, and Lane for being stubborn and making sure I had a support system through all of this. You made this large world feel less lonely and dark and I couldn't be more grateful for the distractions when I needed to get my mind somewhere else for a bit.
Things will get better, at least, that's what I'm telling myself, and going forward I am going to do my damndest to get to that better version of myself in this rough journey. All it takes is time, effort, love, and self care. I hope you all continue to enjoy your time here on the ship, and I'll be fully back before you know it. Sending all my love to you my Nightmarian Crew.
With love from your favorite Demisexual/Demiromantic Pirate (happy pride month),
Xel
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